LWW Ritzed

LWW Ritzed is a parody of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe created by Dozerfleet Productions, and is a spin-off of The Trapezoid Kids. Ritzed was first envisioned in June of 2003, based on doodles in a yearbook.

The first Ritzing
A fan of CS Lewis and a sorcerer with a brew are having a good time talking, when the sorcerer's apprentice clumsily enters the room and sends a jazz CD flying into the brew along with a powder dubbed "Chemical R." The sorcerer panics that the "Ritzer" formula has just been lost in the brew. The CD and the Ritzer react with the potion and the Lewis fan's book gets splashed amidst the explosion. The rest of the brew then jumps onto the book and into it, before vanishing completely.

The three of them gaze at the book, terrified to read it but compelled by curiosity. The rest is the thoroughly-violated, utterly desecrated, retelling of Lewis' tale.

Ellis arrives
After a comedic tromp on how the Pevensie children arrive at the estate, including the boys being completely oblivious to the sight of a man getting run over by a train in the background causing Lucy to look on in shock and disbelief while Susan is losing her lunch, much of the plot of their time on the estate is cut short. Instead, a spacecraft crash-lands onto the estate, and a loud-mouthed, wisecracking extra-terrestrial pops out. Immediately able to speak English, the new creature whom the kids dub "Ellis" starts talking in a sterilized-yet-stereotypical "black ghetto" dialect.

The professor, uncertain what else to do with Ellis, tells him to just "kinda sorta hang out with the kids till we get this whole thing figured out." Ellis proves to be visibly unamused with the professor's lack of seriousness.

Adventures begin
Lucy discovers Narnia, and goes back to tell the others. Initially, only Ellis believes her. But when he tries to explain his extra-terrestrial experiences with alien trapezoids, they all look at him with disbelief. He dismisses their deer-in-headlight glances.

Eddie's visit
Eddie eventually finds his way there, where he runs into Witchy Jane. Jane identifies herself as a queen...by technicality, elaborating a whole story from scratch to hide her real origin. Eddie is about to go, claiming that he forgot something. She tries to seduce him with food, but confuses him by asking him if he knows any Trapezoids. He then confuses her when he mentions that Ellis knew of some. After explaining who Ellis is, he betrays the identities of his siblings. After Dibby the Dwarf makes some wisecracks, the two part ways, with Eddie receiving an invitation to the "Ice Palace Arena."

As he takes off, Dibby describes the children as "Addie's dudes, Evey's chicks...and one dude we just CAN'T FIGURE OUT!!!" Jane rolls her eyes and begs him not to make a running gag of his new slogan.

All five end up in Narnia
After an attempt to fix Ellis' ship results in the ship exploding and taking out half the tool shed, the kids all run to the wardrobe to hide, with the exception of Ellis who only decides to join them when he can't find any golf clubs. His rationale is that "at least golf balls don't explode and void the warranty." They all end up in Narnia after the wardrobe comes to life and spins them around violently. Ellis initially mistakes the wardrobe for a time machine, and asks where the flex capacitor is.

The five then meet the Super Beaver Bros, who tell them that all of them except for Ellis are "part of Azzie's plan to bring back the Ritz to town!" They tell them that an ancient poem once stated: "'It'll take two good boys an' two of a girly to send that witch on a grand ole swirly...yee haw!'"

The kids act puzzled that a prophecy would talk about flushing an opponent down a toilet, as well as other things. Morgie the Wolf tricks Eddie, who steps outside for fresh air, into thinking the Beavers are druggies that want to jump on his head. After that, he gets lured to the Ice Palace, where Jane accidentally betrays her real identity. She decides to take Eddie prisoner. He retaliates by drawing trapezoids on the wall, to which a very-drunk faun named Tumbles responds: "I wouldn't do that, mate!"

Venturing out
The others soon realize that Eddie is gone, and panic about what to do. The Beavers debate whether the kids should join along and raid in teams, or stay behind and let the Beavers take turns raiding the castle. Ellis finally asks if it's possible to meet the "Azzie dude" that the Beavers mentioned earlier, to which they all decide it's a good idea. They set out to find "Slab of Uncoolness," where many of Azzie's friends have agreed to convene. The wolves, led by Morgie, try to stop them, but are thwarted when Ellis accidentally turns into an angry giant after eating one of the Beaver Bros.' growth apples.

A group of punk rockers shows up and puts Jane's minions into a "boogie mode," allowing for Eddie to be rescued. The whole of them meet at "The Slab" with Azzie, and are puzzled to find a lion that walks upright and uses a nail filer. He addresses them with an Italian accent. Jane gets annoyed at her minions and tries to petrify them, but keeps getting her stone and ice settings confused on her Witch Wand XP 9000 model. When the batteries die, she sends Dibby to get new ones from the palace.

Pete vs. Morgie
Morgie shows up, and demands an audience with the gals. He insists Ellis "stay out of this," that Ellis "isn't even supposed to be there." Pete defends his sisters, but when his sword breaks, Azzie grants him a chainsaw to finish the job. Morgie, as he is accustomed to do, complains that the use of the chainsaw is "cheating."

The bargain
Jane shows up, her traveling caravan as clumsy as ever, and demands that Eddie be given back. Every time she tries to threaten the creatures near Azzie, something else on her coach breaks down, making her a laughingstock. She finally threatens to employ Catch-47 of Narnia history to destroy everything in it if she doesn't get her way.

After putting away his nail filer, showing he actually cares to listen, Azzie takes Jane behind a tent and bargains his life for Eddie's. Jane scoffs at first when leaving, stating that she doesn't expect him to keep his word. He nods, and the Super Beaver Bros. light a rocket under her dress. She goes flying several miles away, with a parrot commenting: "The wretched hen just flew the coop!" Jane's minions chase after her, with Dibby commenting that he forgot his sun block.

Conclusion
After several more parodies filling in the gaps of the storytelling, the kids defeat Jane when Azzie finally tosses his nail filer at her, causing her to blink and shrink. She gets flushed down the toilet, where she threatens to sue everyone. The kids all become kings and queens, with the exception of Ellis. When the kids do return to their world 15 years later, Ellis stays behind. They only realize too late that Ellis is missing. It is revealed that Ellis has become the president of Narnia, and the lands "first green president," while giving his inaugural address. Dibby gets a new job as a DJ, and Jane becomes "The Genie of the Toilet," forced to make constant lame jokes about where she now resides.

The sorcerer and book owner finish reading the book, announcing: "We've just ruined a masterpiece!"

Characters

 * The Kids
 * Pete is the unassuming, clueless, de-facto leader of the four children. He gets the most good gifts and is generally spoiled, but goes through life fairly unaware of his surroundings.
 * Sue is the one who usually points out flaws in Pete's strategies, but nobody takes her seriously.
 * Eddie is the along-for-the-ride third of the children, never certain which of his siblings to side with at any one given point in time. Initially gullible, he quickly becomes skeptical of everything.
 * Lucy likes to dance, and aspires to open her own hall. Her best friend at boarding school shares this ambition, and eventually opens a disco hall in the future.


 * Ellis is a loud-mouthed, green-skinned space alien who ends up befriending the kids. Initially the fifth wheel, he becomes a valuable asset to the team when he accidentally comes up with the best ideas.  He often complains that others plagiarize his ideas as their own, and is very diversity-minded.  He is inspired by Eddie Murphy's depiction of Donkey in Shrek.


 * Tumbles is a clumsy faun who befriends Lucy at the beginning. He then warns her that his house is rigged with video surveillance, and that he'll have to destroy all copies of them being together.  He is often drunk.


 * Witchy Jane is the chief villainess of the story, a cheap hack trying to make Narnia her own monarchy under her rule. She carries the Witch Wand XP 9000 model for icing and petrifying enemies, but has a habit of getting the modes confused.  She is often frustrated by everything, routinely rolling her eyes in disgust when things don't go her way.  Constantly made the laughingstock of many situations, she seeks to prove herself worthy of respect by making herself a tyrant.  She is terrified of Trapezoids, given her past experiences with the Trapezoid Kids.


 * Dibby is the dim-witted, wise-cracking dwarf assistant to Jane. He is inspired by Elgar from Power Rangers: Turbo.


 * Morgie is the chief wolf of Jane's secret police. He often complains about the perceived "unfairness" of situations, frequently announcing: "That's cheating!!!" at overkills that offend him.  He is quick to point out how hopelessly bureaucratic and self-contradicting wolf society in Narnia is.  He is the "ritzed" version of Maugrim, and his personality is inspired by McWolf from the Tom and Jerry Kids Show.


 * Santa Claus makes an appearance to give the kids some weapons. He comes across as a former used car salesman, and the kids initially don't trust him.  He introduces the gifts like an infomercial, while the kids stare in disbelief.  No matter what challenge is brought to him, he always seems to be able to pull it off.  This makes him a foible of Jane, whose accessories are constantly failing.


 * Super Beaver Bros. are adventure-prone, talking beavers with a supply of apples that let them grow to "super size" and stomp on enemies' heads. They are obvious parodies of the Super Mario brothers.


 * Azzie is a dance-loving, jazz hall-operating, god-like lion king that walks upright and frequently holds a nail filer while holding conversations. He speaks with an Italian accent and high-pitched voice, and is willing to do anything he can to protect those he loves.  He would like more than anything to get rid of Jane, but believes there's a proper way of doing so.


 * The Serial Dwarves are a group of librarians and museum keepers in Jane's palace. Every time she creates a new statue from a victim, they immediately pop out of nowhere and assign a value to the statue in an elaborate parody of university library cataloging and the Dewey Decimal System.  When Azzie reanimates all the statues, the Serial Dwarves become very depressed.  They are relieved though, when they get to run the Paravel Library.


 * Batfaun is a faun in a 60's Batman suit who runs around during the final battle of the story, creating comical "Pow" and "Whack" messages as he runs into enemies. He is eventually petrified, along with a "Batfaun" title logo which comes crashing down on top of him.


 * The Wardrobe is an anthropomorphic wardrobe, masculine but still similar to the one in Disney's Beauty and the Beast. He is a manic transporter, spinning around like the Magic School Bus to send the kids between worlds.  He is arbitrarily immune to Jane's wand in both modes, causing the beams from the wand to deflect.  He takes advantage of this much to her annoyance.


 * The Leprechaun Rangers are a team of five Leprechauns that can combine their Charm Bots to form the Rainbow Megatitan. They use this mecha of theirs to battle Jane's giant adversaries, and often make the robot do a River Dance.

Criticism
Critics of the idea for this parody have often stated that "it borders on sacrilege" and "would make Lewis spin in his grave."

Trivia

 * In the abandoned pitch for a "Frosted Fairy Tales" mini-series, Octolipi tried to buy time for his latest scheme by trapping the Trapezoids in another world. They end up inside the convoluted Narnia parody world, where Morgie the Wolf and his band of "Wolf Coppers" try in vain to find some crime to accuse them of.


 * Witchy Jane, as the Trapezoids call her, tries to use food to seduce Humdrum into giving away secrets about his siblings. However, Humdrum's wild tangents of impatience and his non-sequitur remarks, plus his general lack of cooperation, frustrate her.  She tries to petrify him with her wand, but he re-mats and starts taunting Dibby.
 * Finally, she tries to trap all the Trapezoids in her castle and imprison them, so they will stop being so annoying. However, they trick her into sending them to an underground rap contest with the wolves, where Humdrum out-performs the best rapper wolf there by performing his own rendition of "Crank That" by Soulja Boy.
 * She tries to chase the Trapezoids to Delaware, but her plans ultimately fail when the Trapezoids defeat the "Stay-Puffing Maury Monster."


 * Dibby is the LWW Ritzed version of Ginnarbrick, and is a combination of that character with Elgar from Power Rangers: Turbo. He has a similar voice to Elgar, and in spite looking like Ginnarbrick, is like Elgar in being utterly incompetent and dimwitted.  He is frequently taken advantage of by the Trapezoids, much as he is taken advantage of by nearly everyone in LWW Ritzed.
 * In spite his loyalty to Jane, he is often known to make snarky remarks and talk back to her. He is one of the few characters who can do so without severe consequences or threats.

Cancellation
While Witchy Jane, Dibby, and Morgie are still intended to appear in the "Frosted Fairy Tales" mini-series of The Trapezoid Kids, the full-fledged LWW Ritzed is no longer being pursued. This is because some of its jokes were stolen and turned into cruder versions of themselves. The perverted versions of said hijacked jokes were then used in Epic Movie. As such, it was deemed "not funny" if they were to be told again, even in cleaner format. For example: the "Leprechaun Rangers" humor is not that far off from Stormtroopers showing up in Epic Movie. The scene in that film in which Jack's wheel crushes the villain to death is so over-the-top, that nothing in Ritzed can top it. Not even the part with Ellis becoming "the First Green President."

Ellis himself began as an inside joke with a few pencil drawings added to a yearbook. He was modeled after the Uglayons from Alien School as well. As such, his Eddie Murphy-style voice and humor are not enough to salvage the project.