Gored By Them Things

Gored By Them Things, also sometimes known as Gored By Them Things Reloaded after revisions were made to it, is a DSHW created by the founder of Dozerfleet Productions during the Cormorant era in 2002-2004; and is a collective parody / retelling of the Lord of the Rings film trilogy using Beanie Babies and similar stuffed animals as cast members.

The Fellowship of the Eucerin Tub
In a parody of the story of Lord of the Rings, a reindeer/wolf hybrid named Rudwulfon creates an evil ring to terrorize the world with. He loses track of it while beating up circus clowns. Through various subplots that are never described, save for the claim that nobody would care to hear them, the ring makes its way to a cave called the Shine Cave.

Blotto Sirens, a bat who lives in the cave with is turkey friend named Tacky, finds the ring and seeks advice from his seafarer friend Captain Rum on what to do about it.

Rum immediately knows the significance of the ring, and warns that it must be melted in a molten iron pit in a big landfill that has been coined "The Dumpster" before Rudwulfon can find it again.

Blotto and several other animals forge a group of nine that make their way to the Monkey Tribe, where Chief Bananas tells them what they already know after dubbing them "The Fellowship of the Eucerin Tub" when they use a giant Eucerin tub to set the ring on for discussion.

They are attacked by the Nine Teddy Bears and a Giant Wiener Dog, before facing the Pengrog and the Terra-Cotta-Kai; and then departing as a fellowship.

Along the way, Blotto is rescued from the Teddy Bears' injuries to him by the aid of Chief Bananas' daughter Allywhat and her "Horse-With-No-Rear-End."

The Two Carolers
Blotto and Tacky decide to find The Dumpster while the others divert Rudwolfon's attention.

A gnome named Smellyton joins forces with Rudwulfon and decides to take advantage of Captain Rum's disappearance after the battle with the Pengrog by attacking the Kingdom of the Really Big Bunnies.

Apegorn, Mallardius, and Skippy decide to join the Bunnies in their fight for survival against Smellyton's forces, which include the Elvis Dogs.

The trio breaking off from the Fellowship then join the Bunnies for the Battle of Cliff's Chair to defeat an army sent by Smellyton.

Meanwhile, Blotto and Tacky end up inside a cave where they are attacked by a web-shooting snake that is in-turn devoured by a creature that looks like an M&M's Minis dispenser.

After their rescue, Blotto and Tacky find a shop called Louie's Leftover's, where a beetle-sized penguin named Louie is revealed to run the shop.

After being confused with Buzzsaw Louie from VeggieTales and retaliating against Tacky by talking like Yoda, Louie agrees to help Blotto and Tacky build a hot air balloon so they can make their way to the Dumpster with minimal effort.

The Return of the Chief
Captain Rum returns to Apegorn, Mallardius, and Skippy, and informs them of his pointless promotion after defeating the Pengrog. He joins all the members of the Fellowship of the Eucerin Tub back together except for Blotto and Tacky, and then they learn that Chief Bananas of the Monkey Tribe is dying. Apegorn vows to marry Bananas' daughter Allywhat, and then sets off on his own to battle a legless giant named Dark Jacket. After defeating Dark Jacket in a lightsaber battle, Apegorn meets a giant named Cliff who volunteers to let Apegorn hitch a ride back to the Monkey Tribe before Bananas is cremated.

Beetollum, a beetle who reveals at the very last minute to have been stalking Blotto and Tacky the whole way there and somehow beat them to the Dumpster even though they flew there; bites off Blotto's right wing thumb and steals the ring for himself. The Horse with No Rear End shows up out of nowhere and punts Beetollum and the ring into the molten iron. The baffled protagonists ride the horse to the Monkey Tribe.

When the ring is destroyed, Smellyton dies of a stroke and Rudwulfon falls over and explodes like an archetypal monster from Power Rangers. Over his flaming ashes, several monkeys roast marshmallows. The Two Carolers are taken out the following September 11th by dragonflies that crash themselves into the statues in a suicide bombing. Since the monkeys were canning grape jelly that morning, the tragedy becomes a national holiday in the tribe and is commemorated by canning grape jelly dubbed "9-11 Jam."

Captain Rum returns to sea adventures and Tacky returns to a normal life. Blotto gains two robots as friends: Dit-Dot-Bleep-Squeak and " //Del2Esc" (also known as "Slashy.") Bleep-Squeak creates a prosthetic right-wing thumb for Blotto to replace the one bitten off by Beetollum. The Horse With No Rear End dies of complications from having an improper posterior.

It is then revealed that the whole time, a group of men were telling this story in Mexico in front of some angry bulls. The bulls, unamused, began attacking and goring the storytellers, leaving them "gored by them things."

Fellowship
There were many characters involved in the cast. However, the story mostly revolves around these nine:


 * Batty the Bat&trade; Brown Model from October 29th of 1996 as Blotto Sirens, a brown bat living in the Shine Cave. This bat becomes the ring-bearer.  He is gloomy and a little emo, but looks forward to having a bright future.  The ring causes him to have nightmares of Rudwulfon trying to eat him.  He is a parody of Frodo Baggins.


 * Gobbles the Turkey&trade; (November 27th of 1996) as Tacky Turkey, a small turkey who is somehow friends with Blotto, though nobody knows why. He is Blotto's biggest companion in destroying the ring, and is known to crack really lame jokes.  He is a parody of Samwise Gamgee.


 * Mooch the Monkey,&trade; (August 1st, 1998) as Apegorn, a spider monkey prodigy who is sent to take over the Monkey Tribe after the death of Chief Bananas and to marry Allywhat. He spoofs Aragorn, George W. Bush, Luke Skywalker, Neo from The Matrix, and Spider-Man.


 * Jake the Drake&trade; (April 6th of 1997 as Mallardius, a mallard drake that is very agile. He decides to join Apegorn in his quest for no apparent reason, accompanied by a resentful frog named Skippy.  He is a spoof of Legolas.


 * Smoochy the Frog&trade;, from the mini-series Teenie Beanie Babies, registered for release by Ty for McDonald's Happy Meals as Bartholmiolioliolus Lemontine Woolworth III, a.k.a., "Skippy," a sardonic tree frog who joins the Fellowship. He is a parody of Gimli.


 * Freckles the Leopard&trade;, also from the mini-series Teenie Beanie Babies, as Spotty, a miniature-sized leopard out to prove that his small size won't matter. He disappears halfway through the end of Fellowship of the Eucerin Tub and is not seen again until the end of Return of the Chief.  He parodies Boromir.


 * Kingdom Critters'&reg; Priscilla the Patient&trade; (&copy; GUND, Inc., Representing 1 Thessalonians 4:14B) as Beakly, a penguin who joins the fellowship and does next to nothing.  He parodies Merry.


 * Gracie the Swan&trade; (June 17th of 1997, Model in Style 4126) as Cloudy-Niner the Goose, a white gander who is easily distracted by every little thing. When he joins the Fellowship, he spends a lot of time veering off to stare at the most seemingly pointless things.  His name is derived from the expression "Cloud Nine," used in this context to indicate that he is constantly absent-minded.  He parodies Pippin and Dutchmiller.


 * Alberta's Molds&reg;, Inc. Pirate-Shaped Rum Decanter, Model #432 as Captain Rum of the Teal Polka-Dots, a seafarer who knows practically everything and is one of the most valuable assets to the team. The captain gets a promotion to Captain Rum the Aquamarine after defeating the Pengrog.  He is not to be confused with the one-off, similarly-named Captain Rum from season 2 of Blackadder.  He parodies Gandalf, Sarge of Red vs. Blue, and Cornelius from Rudolph.

Allies

 * Ass-Fell-Off, a.k.a., The Horse with No Rear-End, Allywhat's personal horse. This horse was born with a strange medical condition that caused a portion of its posterior to rot and fall off.  After expensive surgery, the horse is given a synthetic bottom that is covered in part by a black-painted wooden sign with the word "Censored" written on it.  The Horse is the one that saves the day when Blotto is overtaken by the ring's power, and is also the one to rescue Blotto after the Nine Teddybears give him a concussion.  Parodies Aspheloth.


 * Allywhat, a monkey from the Monkey Tribe, the daughter of Chief Bananas, and a love interest to Apegorn. She rescues Blotto from the Nine Teddybears.  After that, she disappears into the background for a while.  Her horse breaks loose and somehow finds the Dumpster, where it punts Beetollum into the Iron Pit.  Portrayed by Swinger&trade;, 10/22/04 model.  Parody of Arwen.


 * Chief Bananas of the Monkey Tribe, who does little other than tell the members of the Fellowship what they already know. When he dies, Apegorn takes over.  Parody of Elrond.


 * Cliff, a skinny giant who is friendly to Apegorn. He was portrayed by a dressed-up camera tripod.  Ironically enough, the Battle of Cliff's Chair had nothing to do with him, as "Cliff's Chair" is just a shorthand for "A-Cliff-is-a-Chair," the real name of the battle's location.  He was inspired by the mention of a character "Cliff" in the gangster video Angels With Even Filthier Souls that featured in Home Alone 2.


 * Bunnywhat, a sassy rabbit living in the Kingdom of the Really Big Bunnies who helps Apegorn regain his strength after the Battle of Cliff's Chair. Parody of Éowyn.


 * Patrolmen of the Land of the Really Big Bunnies, a band of various large-sized animals, mostly bunnies, who wish to defend their kingdom from the double threat of Rudwulfon and Smellyton. They receive help from Apegorn, Mallardius, and Skippy.  One of the chipmunks in the bunnies' kingdom is clearly Dale from Disney's Chip and Dale.


 * Rar Rar Winks Bomberill, a fairly useless assistant to the Fellowship who appears briefly in a cameo. Parody of: Jar Jar Binks and Tom Bombadil


 * Louie, a beetle-sized penguin who lives inside a shop called "Louie's Leftovers" in the far back of the Caves of the Cuckoo-to-be-There, which can only be accessed by crossing the Grassless-Lands-of-Nobody's-Business. He is portrayed by a stamp, and talks like Yoda.


 * Unadriel, a wise and friendly unicorn who cheers up Blotto and Tacky when they're feeling down. She is portrayed by an R. Dakin & Co. 1982 Vintage White Unicorn w/White Mane, and is a parody of Galadriel.


 * //Del2Esc (pronounced: "Back-Slash, Back-Slash, Delete Two, Escape"), a droid that befriends Blotto offscreen at the story's end. He is a parody of C-3PO.  His name is a reference to a joke that evolved from the OJ Simpson Trial concerning outcry against the verdict.


 * Dit-Dot-Bleep-Squeak, a droid who befriends Blotto at the story's end. He gives Blotto a prosthetic right wing thumb to replace the one bitten off by Beetollum.  He is an obvious parody of R2-D2.

Villains

 * Rudwulfon, a hybrid between a wolf and a reindeer, and he is the creator of an evil magic ring that he plans to use to aid him in conquering the world. He loses track of it and panics, sending evil minions all over the world to figure out what happened to it and recover it before it gets trashed, which would kill him because he bound himself to it.  He was portrayed by a singing toy Rudolph with a Halloween wolf mask covering its face.  He parodies Sauron and Rudolph.


 * The Nine Teddy Bears, servants of Rudwulfon that attack with senseless violence. They try to rescue the ring from Blotto, but are interrupted by Apegorn and Allywhat.  They are portrayed by numerous models of Beanie Baby teddy bears, including the Princess&trade; model created in 1997 in commemoration of Princess Diana.  They parody the Nazgul.


 * Smellyton, an oversized gnome who is something of an evil counterpart to Captain Rum. He parodies Saruman.


 * Beetollum, a beetle that wants the ring for himself. He appears out of nowhere and bites off Blotto's right wing thumb near the end of the story, announcing who he is and taunting the heroes that he won and they lost.  He is then punted into the Iron Pit by the Horse with No Rear-End, who also appears out of nowhere.  He parodies Gollum.

He parodies: Shelob and Spider-Man.
 * The Amazing Spider-Snake, a snake that can shoot webs from its mouth. He lives his victims "fit to be tied."  It tries to web-up and devour Blotto and Tacky, but is eaten by the Tubular.


 * The Tubular, a tube-shaped monster that lives in the Caves of the Cuckoo-to-Be-There, and eats nearly everything that gets in its way. It wants to eat Blotto and Tacky, but instead saves them from the Spider-Snake.  Before it too can devour them, they escape.  It is portrayed by an M&M's Minis dispenser.


 * The Elvis Dogs, servants of Smellyton who are tone deaf and sing Elvis tunes off-key to demoralize the enemy. They parody the Wargs.


 * Dark Jacket, a legless giant with a lightsaber that threatens to crush the Monkey Tribe. He is defeated in battle by Apegorn.  He is an obvious reference to Darth Vader.


 * The Giant Wiener Dog is an oversized dachshund monster that attacks the Fellowship right before they disband. He is eventually defeated by Apegorn and Mallardius after threatening to kill Blotto.  He parodies the Cave Troll.


 * The Pengrog, a gigantic and aggressive penguin monster. After being sucked up a vacuum slot inside a cave while battling Captain Rum, it finds itself being beat to submission.  Afterwards, it becomes an aid to the Easter Bunny.  He parodies: the Balrog and the Bumble.


 * The Terra-Cotta-Kai, soldiers that look like China's Terrcotta Army. They are sent by Smellyton to harass the Fellowship.  Apegorn chops off the leader's head with a giant hairpin.  They parody the Uruk-hai and Terracotta Army.

Honorable mention: Jean-Claude
Water monster Jean-Claude never appeared in the final production. He would have been a parody of the Watcher in the Water, as Lord of the Rings fans have often on forums named the Watcher "Jean-Claude."

This joke was first perpetuated by LordOfTheOnionRings@EZBoard users Hobbitmum and ArtemisArcheress. The latter came up with the idea of naming the water monster "Jean-Claude" and gave Hobbitmum the monster's cousin, "Pierre," as a forum signature "pet." Artemis has been using this joke since.

Note: There was a jellyfish in the original version of the Wiener Dog scene.

Cameos
In the death scene of Chief Bananas before he is about to die and be cremated, several crowd around him. Among those present at his deathbed are Detective Hooper and Gambino Penguin.

History and development
The development and history of GBTT consists of many years of going from collection of photos to final web uploading.

Early years
In late 2001, after watching The Fellowship of the Ring in theaters, the Dozerfleet founder noticed that Arwen's horse, Aspheloth, had his name poorly spoken. The soft tone of Liv Tyler's voice made Aspheloth sound like "ass-fell-off." The idea was born for "The Horse with No Rear-End."

In 2002, the Dozerfleet founder was attending Lansing Community College. Not doing well in the IMAG-111 class, he got the idea to fulfill a storytelling assignment by having Beanie Babies re-enact scenes from Lord of the Rings. Several pitches for a Stationery Voyagers-themed group of 8"x10" black and white photo prints failed to win the support of the instructor, Art Henson. The Beanie Babies LotR spoof ultimately didn't win any support either.

By 2003, the Dozerfleet founder decided to salvage the photo prints from the failed class endeavor. The photos were digitally scanned as JPEGs and then imported into Microsoft Word files. Story text was written for them, and the end result was Gored By Them Things. By 2004, pop culture references were added to the story that weren't originally there, to make the story more humorous.

It was in 2004 that the story finally had a chance to become something other than a Word document. Experimenting with web hosting solutions, the founder came across the service Freeservers. The result was GoredByThemThings.Freeservers.com, which hosted a very early version of the Gored By Them Things website that had been created with Microsoft Publisher. This site was eventually taken down when not enough disk space was being offered.

Later years
When the Cormorant era yielded a site at 125mb.com in 2005, the push to finish the Gerosha Chronicles became all-consuming. Gored remained offline, but the HTML pages were redesigned to create a theme more consistent with the spoofed content. The site would be redesigned yet again in 2008 before being uploaded to the home page for Dozerfleet at My2Gig. This design update was to change the site from a poorly-written HTML 4.0 DTD to the XHTML 1.0 Transitional standard that had since replaced it at Dozerfleet. Finally, when My2Gig's service proved doubtful due to several-day down times, the files were uploaded to Dozerfleet's backup home page at Free2Hoxt.

Image quality
The general low quality of the scans comes from the fact that few high-quality versions of the photos to Gored can be found on existing storage media. Dozerfleet has been through four computer bases since its inception. In that time, the transfer and reformatting of the existing images has resulted in very low resolution and significant image degradation. With the exception of a few photos that are reparable or replaceable, most of the low-res images remain as they are. Since the piece is old and a spoof of so many elements of pop culture, little enthusiasm was put into restoration efforts.

Filming locations
Almost all scenes in Gored take place in and around the property of 7779 E. Mt. Hope Hwy. in Grand Ledge, MI - where the Dozerfleet founder resided at the time.

Parodies and allusions
Gored By Them Things either mocks directly or else alludes to at least 41 different elements of American pop culture from 2002-2004. This includes 13 films and 15 TV shows.

Films spoofed or referenced include Home Alone 2, Kings in the Corner, the Lord of the Rings film trilogy, the Matrix film trilogy, Napoleon Dynamite, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Ring, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and various Star Wars films. TV shows referenced include The Apprentice, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Batman: The Animated Series, Desperate Housewives, Dog Eat Dog, Fear Factor, Lost, Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, Red vs. Blue, The Simple Life, The Strangerhood, Survivor, VeggieTales, Weakest Link, and possibly a few more. The comic also made references to Aflac, Beiersdorf, the makers of Eucerin, Chip 'n Dale, Elvis Presley, the FCC, George W. Bush, M&M's Minis, the OJ Simpson Trial, 9/11, Spider-Man, the Terracotta Army, and Yahoo.

Sequel
The short-lived idea for a sequel, Gored By Them Things 2, discussed a lamb named Charmlamb who went around fixing problems that the characters in the first story failed to resolve. Along the way, he gets Cloudy Niner to join his cause. They accomplished a few goals with the help of Rar Rar Winks Bomberill, and got to meet Spilnko the Unjustifiably Massive Bear. Ultimately, it was decided not to update or modify this story, and it remains in archives.